Broken down.

There is something that I have to talk about. Once I was left with nothing but emotions. Emotions that I can't explain.
Emotions that questioned my existence and my beliefs.
Somedays I could not give a fuck.
Somedays it just haunted me like a continuing nightmare.
There was nothing left of me that I could put up with.
In love I found emptiness and in emptiness I found happiness. Happiness was in within my sadness.
I was nothing but a delicate matter made up of flesh and blood. I thought I knew but I didn't and when I realized, it all started to break.
Mentally and physically I was broken down into pieces that I had to rearrange.
I had to build myself again.
I had to know who I was.
I tried this many times before.
Explored the places that were never before and cared for much of what was nothing.
I then found peace in this places.
But this peace was far beyond the acceptance they could put up with.
I was truly confused. I was reminded of the half empty glass, the pessimist nature of society.
I could not give a fuck. But by doing so I was fucked.

Who was I?
Who am I?
Who am I to become?
These were questions I thought I had to answer. But I was wrong.
The answers were already given to me by the world.
The answers were given by them who I filled my emptiness with.
Forced the puzzles to fit and now they were broken.
Broken with my emptiness that broke me first.

Behind his eyes were sadness that neither of them could understand.
Behind his eyes were madness that neither of them could explain.

[0.3] Yong's Short film

Yong's short film
The script for this film was based on his friends who passed away on 2011.02.11. R.I.P Nate, Dan and Jamie.



There was a boy.
Who lost everything at once.
He was lost.
But nothing could help him.

What if there was really nothing that could have saved this boy from dreaming?
This boy found the meaning of happiness.
Not in reality but in his dreams.

He had fun in his dreams.
He was god, the king, everything he wanted to be in this world.
He learned to control his unconscious self and be awake in his dreams.

The purpose of life, reasonings of reality and realizations all clashed as he sniggered upon the people who were having troubles finding the reason to live.

The only choice was to keep dreaming... and so he did. At last he did.
Out into the nothingness, like a particle of dust in the universe, he decided to go for the only solution.

Move on. Move on to a greater world.

[0.2] Reasoners of dreams, lovers of the unconscious

Reasoners of dreams, lovers of the unconscious

Once, few of my friends turned into something else. They were into the world of drugs.
Everyday was a challenge for them. Everyday they were on the run.
Their sniggers towards sober saints showed how deeply rooted they were in the world of dreams and the unconscious.

They told me that they see the world in a different way. In a way that no man can ever imagine.

With the rush and kicks of highness, they found a way to live, a way to survive.

By detaching themselves from this world of reality, it was obvious that they were losing everything slowly.

They decided to move out of their homes. To keep their highness going on without any distractions. They decided to quit education as they realized the meaningless happiness, success and knowledge this world of reality had to offer.

They were becoming what was known as the dark, the evil, the ill and the plagued.
People called them the junkies, the druggies, the hopeless and the faithless.

But..
In my eyes, they were friends who lost their directions.
In my eyes, they were young children who I used to play with at the playgrounds.

They will live on forever in the memories, the good memories of mine.

[http://www.wickedrock.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/ketamine_a.perfect.world_cover.jpg]

R.I.P Nate, Dan and Jamie.

[0.1] Friends, the meaning.

[http://www.clintonfamilyfarm.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/friend.jpg]

Friends, the meaning.

Once I was confused but now I realized.
Friends were more than what they appeared to be.
In the midst of this amazing realization however, the meaning of friends altered itself, putting itself deeper into the cycle of realization and confusion.
Sometimes they approached as a mother, sometimes as a father, sometimes as a sibling, sometimes as lovers, sometimes as enemies and the others as just, a friend.

So what are friends? what are they supposed to mean? who are they supposed to be?

Once a wise man told me.

"Friends are just friends just like how your siblings are your siblings."

I didn't know what he meant by that.. but now I know.
He was telling me not to think too much about one another's existence because they are there just as how you are here right now.

One thing's for sure about friends though,

They are awesome!!

[0.0] Yong, who are you?

[http://wonderingfair.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/i_am.jpg]

Who am I?

the fundamental question that has pushed us through histories of philosophy and science of matters. 

Sometimes it is hard for one to figure out who they really are. This question detaches oneself from the reasonings of reality.

When one realizes and wakes up from these reasonings, we call them the enchanted, the muse and the awaken.

They are just a bunch of people detached.. from reality. Thinkers of the unconscious and reasoners of the dreams.

So Who Am I?

Nobody knows.. because even I get confused with my own existence. 

At some point of time in the near future or the past I've had and will have moments of questioning my own self 'Who are you?'

and again, the answer is...

I don't know.

But here's what I know for sure.

I know that I don't know who I am and one wise man once said this to me.

"Knowing that you don't know is the most central step to knowing."

I guess with time I would one day finally get to know, who I really am.